Too many times oyin, I’ve had to be the shoulder to cry on for girlfriends who can do nothing but wail over a cheating man, and what they see as a major crack threatening to send their marriage crumbling. An unfaithful man doesn’t have to be a problem, in-fact if you play your cards right, it might just be a blessing in disguise. There are to my knowledge three ways to deal with this issue that will ensure you come out on top, and your ego remains unbruised. This chapter will explain the first.

Step 1. Keep him at arms length but maintain your ignorance, it is your greatest weapon. The worst thing you can do in this situation is panic, it’s going to be O-K. There is no need to confront him or even give as much as an inkling that you are aware of his philandering ways. It is not your place to sit around and spend endless days and nights wondering ‘why…‘.

But, it is always best to gather your receipts. Screenshot text messages, record and store phone conversations if you can (there is an app for everything), pictures or videos are even better. Anything to prove that ‘it‘ actually happened. You see, men have the habit of concrete denial, twisting their wrongs and presenting them as proof of your insanity. Women on the other hand have the habit of easy forgiveness and acceptance.

Step 2. No one needs to know, not your religious leader, not your mother, not his mother. Your right hand doesn’t always have to know what the left is doing and for the steps you are about to take, you do not need useless voices whispering in your ear. The burden your mother had to carry does not have to be your burden. Your pastor (Daddy in the lord) is probably also being unfaithful to his wife with his choir leader and will likely only advice you to act the fool like he would wish his wife to. His wife (Mummy) is a woman who is also prone to easy forgiveness and acceptance. If you only knew the mountain of hurt she has to sit under and will likely take to her grave, you would never wish to walk in her shoes. Marriage is a covenant between only two people and the safest secrets are the ones we keep to ourselves.

Step 3. This next action you are about to take is the most crucial and will heavily depend on your social and financial standing, but we can always make things work. Where there is a will, there is a way after all. Women (even men) only fail with this step because they juggle bright flames too close to their doorsteps and end up setting their homes alight. Get it into your head oyin, your marriage covenant before God and man has been broken through infidelity, so bask in the light of your freedom. Men seem to think that they are the only ones who possess wandering eyes but we both know this is untrue. Women are simply trained early through societal pressures to practice more self-control. If you possess the means, book a flight to an exotic place of your choice. Tell him it’s for a friend’s wedding or some other urgent business, he’ll be glad to have you out of town anyways.

Romantic Paris, the Caribbean islands or perhaps even Costa Rica (I’ve heard Latin men are passionate lovers). If you come from more humble roots, travel to the opposite side of the country and pluck from a tribe far removed from yours. A northern man with his little skill of the English language could set your heart ablaze with his fine and regal features. A southern man could light up your world with a broad and masculine form. Let him smooth away your hurt and disappointment as he moulds you into his image. You’re a woman now oyin, not the inexperienced and unassuming lady you once were when your supposed other half whisked you off into holy matrimony. Practice safe sex and be sure to make up for all the dull and monotonous years.

Step 4. No matter how much you try to hide it, don’t for a second think your dearest won’t notice the sudden change in your countenance. He’ll wonder at the spring in your step, your new shade of lipstick or why you now whistle as you cook up dinner. When he asks, tell him you’ve been taking that new vitamin D supplement which has a side effect of improving one’s mood. Or perhaps your women’s prayer committee group managed to raise the funds to build that new Sunday school room for the kids and… he’ll zone out before you’re even finished. Don’t be alarmed when your marriage dynamic changes and it’s him tailing behind you instead like a lap dog, or calling every few hours to find out where you are, or arriving home early just because… We can all instinctively tell when dynamics change in our relationships if we pay closer attention, when one hand transfers to the other, when our axis position shifts in power. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and like a moth to a flame he simply cannot help but get drawn into your new light and the instinctive womanliness he first saw in you which you let dim over time due to neglect of your own self.

Step 5. Never let a mere man crush your dreams of playing house oyin, with all its little pieces.

Mummy, daddy and plump little children running around in the garden. In this part of the world, marriage is a benefit which could determine a woman’s chances of survival. You do not have to throw the baby away with the bathwater if you don’t wish to, yet. Simply bend the terms to fit you best. You and your dearest can both put on your matching aso-ebi to weddings, or the brightest buba and wrapper to the latest ceremonies whenever you’re both invited. Smile to yourself while your peers shower you with praises as mummy-so-and-so who manages to maintain such a youthful glow.

You might be tempted to chicken out of step three oyin. Why, you might ask is it even necessary to have your own flavour on the side when you could simply make yourself scarce by taking up new hobbies outside the home to make him chase. It is called ‘cheating‘ for a reason oyin. No matter whether you expose him to his godmother or to God himself, his repentance will never erase the unfairness of being cheated on or your paranoia of it repeating itself again. When you return from your long travels to far and distant locations, the fairness of your actions will prevent any potential burns when you plant a peck on his cheek. It will erase any bitterness that might cause you consider mixing in foreign substances into his meals and ending up with a rotting body on your hands to dispose of.

But DO NOT for a second get carried away if he decides to someday bring his sins to light and absolve his worthless guilt. Men are a curious sex and for some reason are not able to take what they so thoughtlessly give. Take it to your grave and always keep the side doors unlocked to make a short exit whenever your lifetime partner decides to act up. There are ‘good girls‘ and there are ‘bad girls‘ but wise women juggle the best of both worlds.